1
00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:04,505
Hey, Dad.

2
00:00:06,939 --> 00:00:09,710
How's it going, Mom?

3
00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:13,381
Howdy.

4
00:00:13,414 --> 00:00:14,648
Three days and counting.

5
00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,050
Too bad he doesn't have someone

6
00:00:16,084 --> 00:00:17,918
covering the hole on the other side.

7
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:21,289
♪ Life is unfair.

8
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,162
This is The Crystal Ship.

9
00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,531
It's our high school literary magazine.

10
00:00:30,564 --> 00:00:32,100
Nobody reads it because it's written

11
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,001
by high school kids trying to be deep.

12
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,403
And the editor is just some guy

13
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:37,238
who wants to pad his college application.

14
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:38,772
This month, it's me.

15
00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,941
Did you get...

16
00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,344
"The Mysterious... Forest"?

17
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,778
Yes, Stevie. I got your drawing.

18
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,547
Is it... in?

19
00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:47,781
Yes. I told you.

20
00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,350
Nothing gets rejected.

21
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,385
It doesn't matter how self-indulgent

22
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:54,088
or boring or childish or stupid or painful it is.

23
00:00:54,122 --> 00:00:55,956
If it can be stapled, it's in.

24
00:00:56,624 --> 00:00:57,391
And why do you care?

25
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,927
Our advisor doesn't even care.

26
00:01:01,995 --> 00:01:04,232
I have to go.

27
00:01:04,265 --> 00:01:05,399
Um, I need to help.

28
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:08,469
Principal Block with... something.

29
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,474
Ronnie and I have

30
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,909
written stories that we want to submit.

31
00:01:15,943 --> 00:01:17,445
We demand that you embrace

32
00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,247
our vibrant female voices.

33
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,416
So you better print them, okay?

34
00:01:22,450 --> 00:01:23,951
Okay. You got it.

35
00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:30,691
You are going to read them first, aren't you?

36
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:33,327
Yeah, okay.

37
00:01:36,164 --> 00:01:37,265
Oh, my God.

38
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:39,233
It's been so long,

39
00:01:39,267 --> 00:01:40,344
I didn't think it was possible.

40
00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:43,304
This story is, uh...

41
00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:45,239
is...

42
00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:46,507
What's the word?

43
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:47,675
Good?

44
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:49,343
Yes! Ronnie, your story

45
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,344
is fantastic!

46
00:01:50,378 --> 00:01:51,679
I love the ending!

47
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:52,913
What about mine?

48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,458
"The Frog Who Was Too Good for the World"?

49
00:01:54,482 --> 00:01:55,349
It's crap.

50
00:01:55,383 --> 00:01:58,118
Well, maybe it was over your head.

51
00:01:58,152 --> 00:01:59,629
The frog is you, the snake is your dad,

52
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:01,598
and the moon is the dope you like on the football team.

53
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,157
Lewis is not a dope.

54
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,792
"Car Crash"?

55
00:02:04,825 --> 00:02:06,436
Yeah. There's this really pretty girl who,

56
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:07,837
whenever she walks down the street,

57
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,005
guys yell filthy stuff at her,

58
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,507
so she trains herself to ignore them.

59
00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,032
The "pretty" part's not important.

60
00:02:12,065 --> 00:02:13,934
So, one day, after she's trained herself,

61
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,503
she's crossing the street,

62
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,638
and this construction worker yells out, "Hey, lady!"

63
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:18,639
She doesn't turn around,

64
00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:20,140
but he's really trying to

65
00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,642
warn her there's a car coming.

66
00:02:21,675 --> 00:02:23,211
She ignores him, and she gets

67
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,388
splattered all over the pavement!

68
00:02:24,412 --> 00:02:26,214
Men...

69
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:28,182
are pigs.

70
00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:31,785
Did you hear?

71
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:32,720
The plant-watering lady

72
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,164
is going to testify before the S.E.C.

73
00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:36,023
My God! They're going after everybody.

74
00:02:36,056 --> 00:02:38,158
And the new supervisor starts today.

75
00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,328
She's only here to make cuts and fire people.

76
00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,263
Lots of people.

77
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:45,165
Oh, my God! Here she comes!

78
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:48,101
Oh!

79
00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,210
Come on! Come on!

80
00:02:56,244 --> 00:02:57,378
Come on!

81
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:58,512
Come on!

82
00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,013
Hal, right? (Yelps)

83
00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,515
(microwave bell dings) Yes!

84
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:02,850
Nell. We took an extra trip

85
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:05,653
around the revolving doors together this morning.

86
00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,187
Well, yeah... Looks like you're

87
00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,098
the only one here who doesn't run away from me.

88
00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,259
Well, you can't run forever, eh?

89
00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:12,993
(both laugh)

90
00:03:13,026 --> 00:03:16,096
Look, I know this whole situation is awkward,

91
00:03:16,129 --> 00:03:18,031
but I'm going to do my best

92
00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:20,234
to make everyone here feel respected.

93
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:21,869
Thank you, Nell.

94
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,639
Especially the ones with great-looking hands.

95
00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:29,743
She was touching me exactly like this!

96
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,380
She was practically drooling over my sexy hands.

97
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:33,681
And then, later this morning,

98
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,516
she asked me if I thought her butt was big.

99
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,751
And it wasn't. It was perfect!

100
00:03:37,785 --> 00:03:40,288
It wasn't an innocent request for information, Lois.

101
00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,523
If your butt was as perfect as hers,

102
00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,858
believe me, you'd know it!

103
00:03:44,892 --> 00:03:46,460
What am I going to do?

104
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,863
Well, were you mean to her?

105
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:51,932
No. Why?

106
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,634
You don't want to antagonize her.

107
00:03:53,667 --> 00:03:54,935
She's the new boss.

108
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,246
She decides who comes and who goes.

109
00:03:56,270 --> 00:03:58,572
What are you saying?

110
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,741
I am saying that it wouldn't hurt

111
00:04:00,774 --> 00:04:03,277
for you to be... nice.

112
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,246
That's all. Hal, I'm not asking you to do anything.

113
00:04:06,280 --> 00:04:09,917
It's just if she flirts with you again,

114
00:04:09,950 --> 00:04:12,486
just don't burst her bubble.

115
00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:13,754
Lois!

116
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,123
Oh, all right!

117
00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:18,625
You can make me flirt with this beautiful woman,

118
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,293
but you can't make me like it.

119
00:04:20,327 --> 00:04:22,062
I can make you do anything I want.

120
00:04:22,095 --> 00:04:24,097
You're right.

121
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:25,633
Go!

122
00:04:25,666 --> 00:04:26,934
(grunting)

123
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:31,805
Ow!

124
00:04:31,839 --> 00:04:32,806
You know why I beat you?

125
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,975
'Cause you outweigh me by, like, 50 pounds?

126
00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:37,678
No. Because my mind is stronger than yours.

127
00:04:37,711 --> 00:04:38,346
What?

128
00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:39,747
All your Matrix guys

129
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,081
and your Yodas

130
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,016
and your Karate Kids do what they do

131
00:04:43,050 --> 00:04:45,686
with their minds, not their bodies.

132
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:50,524
I beat you in here before I ever beat you there.

133
00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,826
You're just messing with me again.

134
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,261
I don't believe you.

135
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:59,400
You're not sure if you do or you don't.

136
00:05:00,401 --> 00:05:03,003
This is soil.

137
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,705
Soil is alive.

138
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,274
It is sensitive to the rhythm of who you truly are.

139
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:09,543
This is a seed.

140
00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:12,980
Within it lies sleeping the soul of a plant.

141
00:05:13,013 --> 00:05:14,782
Together, they make a test.

142
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,485
That was taught to Shaolin ninjas millions of years ago.

143
00:05:17,518 --> 00:05:20,120
If you can keep your hand like this

144
00:05:20,153 --> 00:05:22,723
until the seed sprouts, then you will have developed

145
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,224
the source of all power.

146
00:05:24,257 --> 00:05:25,325
If this is real,

147
00:05:25,359 --> 00:05:26,894
then why are you teaching it to me?

148
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:29,229
'Cause I'm a jerk, and I know you'll fail.

149
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:31,732
Or maybe...

150
00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:33,967
just once...

151
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:38,038
I'm letting you in on the secret of life itself.

152
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,376
What's he doing out there?

153
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,011
I put a rock in his hand.

154
00:05:44,044 --> 00:05:46,113
He's trying to make it grow.

155
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,583
Oh, here you are, Francis.

156
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,484
What's this?

157
00:05:50,518 --> 00:05:52,520
An invitation for you and Piama.

158
00:05:52,553 --> 00:05:56,023
Otto and I are celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary!

159
00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,224
You're kidding. That's great.

160
00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,058
Oh, I wish

161
00:05:58,091 --> 00:05:59,727
I could chop you up

162
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,495
in a million pieces

163
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:05,098
so that I could share you with the rest of the world.

164
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:06,667
Oh, you are so romantic,

165
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:09,870
my big Bavarian monkey face.

166
00:06:12,072 --> 00:06:13,774
Francis, I am in so much trouble.

167
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,443
What's wrong? I just found out

168
00:06:15,476 --> 00:06:18,412
what Gretchen is getting me for our anniversary.

169
00:06:18,446 --> 00:06:21,348
She knows how much I love cuckoo clocks,

170
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,383
so she called a factory in Innsbrook

171
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:27,187
and somehow convinced them to handcraft a cuckoo clock

172
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,122
with a little Otto and a little Gretchen

173
00:06:29,156 --> 00:06:31,859
that come out and kiss every hour.

174
00:06:31,892 --> 00:06:33,694
Wow. What'd you get her?

175
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,062
Some Dustbuster filters

176
00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:36,797
and a bracelet I saw on QVC.

177
00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:39,733
Whoa. Well... you have a week.

178
00:06:39,767 --> 00:06:41,702
Is there anything you know she likes?

179
00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:45,105
Well, she always wished that I could learn to waltz.

180
00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,541
Really? That's great! I know how to waltz.

181
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:49,977
I learned in military school taking girls to cotillions.

182
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:51,545
I can totally teach you.

183
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,914
Oh, no, no, no, Francis, I am a terrible dancer.

184
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,383
I tried it at our wedding; I stepped on her foot.

185
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:58,628
You can't let a little thing... I broke it in three places.

186
00:06:58,652 --> 00:06:59,796
But... Then I ripped her dress,

187
00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:02,590
and her rear end hung out for 200 people to see.

188
00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,392
Then I got into a fistfight with her father.

189
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:06,894
We spent the night in jail,

190
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:10,263
and, you know, he always was a
little delicate-looking, and...

191
00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,298
Otto, Otto!

192
00:07:11,331 --> 00:07:13,734
I am sure I can teach you to waltz.

193
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,235
I don't know...

194
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,970
Oh, goodie! Look!

195
00:07:17,004 --> 00:07:19,940
It's the bracelet I ordered from QVC.

196
00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,141
Do you like it?

197
00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,810
Yeah, oh, yeah.

198
00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:25,846
I'll meet you in the barn at 10:00.

199
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:29,683
What the hell is this?

200
00:07:29,717 --> 00:07:30,751
It's "Car Crash."

201
00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,486
It's a story for the literary magazine.

202
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:33,521
It's pornography.

203
00:07:33,554 --> 00:07:34,888
How is it pornography?

204
00:07:35,856 --> 00:07:37,791
"The construction worker yelled out

205
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,893
(bleep) my (bleep)."

206
00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:44,865
"(bleep) my (bleep)."

207
00:07:44,898 --> 00:07:46,199
It's supposed to be offensive.

208
00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,968
That's the whole point of the story.

209
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,136
It's a literary device.

210
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:50,337
There's nothing literary

211
00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:53,106
about "(bleep) my (bleep)"!

212
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,876
Parents don't want their children

213
00:07:55,909 --> 00:07:59,279
reading "(bleep) my (bleep)."

214
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:02,215
This school district has a zero tolerance policy

215
00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:03,551
on "(bleep) my (bleep)"!

216
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,453
Our forefathers did not lay down their lives

217
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:11,559
on San Juan Hill for "(bleep) my (bleep)"!

218
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,295
Now, you either kill this story

219
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:18,298
or replace all the dirty words with asterisks.

220
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:19,399
That's just stupid.

221
00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:20,844
What's the point of bleeping out words?

222
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:22,402
Everyone knows what they are anyway.

223
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:24,905
Besides, Miss Shaw already said it was okay.

224
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,307
Sometimes, Miss Shaw doesn't know

225
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:30,177
when to keep her mouth shut.

226
00:08:30,210 --> 00:08:33,581
Just do it!

227
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,515
This is censorship!

228
00:08:35,549 --> 00:08:36,583
Call...

229
00:08:36,616 --> 00:08:39,152
the ACLU...

230
00:08:39,186 --> 00:08:42,422
and sue... their ass.

231
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:43,190
Yes!

232
00:08:43,222 --> 00:08:45,525
We can testify in poetry!

233
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:48,161
I'm not going to call the ACLU for Crystal Ship.

234
00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:50,598
Just because it's under attack doesn't mean it's not lame.

235
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,166
What's wrong?

236
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:55,335
Nothing. It's okay.

237
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,337
It is stupid.

238
00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,338
You don't have to get...

239
00:08:58,371 --> 00:08:59,607
Look... you have people

240
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,009
thinking you're smart and creative all the time.

241
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,377
I just got excited that people would think that

242
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:06,079
about me for a change.

243
00:09:06,113 --> 00:09:09,116
Like I said, it's stupid.

244
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,120
MAN: That is an outrage!

245
00:09:13,153 --> 00:09:15,388
Where is this high school, Iran? It's okay.

246
00:09:15,422 --> 00:09:17,567
I don't want to do anything;
I just wanted some information.

247
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:18,558
You want information?

248
00:09:18,592 --> 00:09:20,427
The Constitution exists.

249
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,906
Your teachers might as well take
a leak on the American flag...

250
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,273
which actually is a case I defended,

251
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,265
but that's not the point.

252
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,043
If these fascists need a lawsuit to wake them up,

253
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,070
then... Malcolm, what's the name of your school?

254
00:09:30,103 --> 00:09:32,539
My school? It doesn't have a name...

255
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,274
and I'm not really a student there.

256
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,109
I was just prank calling you.

257
00:09:36,143 --> 00:09:37,945
Ha, ha. Fooled you.

258
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,413
That guy was nuts... I didn't want anything to do with him.

259
00:09:40,447 --> 00:09:42,792
I hung up before he could figure
out where I was calling from.

260
00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:46,453
Unless... he has...

261
00:09:46,486 --> 00:09:48,455
Caller I.D.

262
00:09:48,488 --> 00:09:51,925
BLOCK (over megaphone): Attention, students.

263
00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:54,261
Attention, students.

264
00:09:54,294 --> 00:09:57,130
As you know, we publish a literary magazine

265
00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,266
called The Crystal Ship.

266
00:09:59,299 --> 00:10:01,434
(students murmuring)

267
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,570
Well, we do.

268
00:10:03,603 --> 00:10:06,674
This morning, I received word that the ACLU

269
00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:10,110
has filed a lawsuit to force us to publish

270
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:13,480
an extraordinarily obscene essay.

271
00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:14,982
(scattered applause)

272
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:20,420
The school district's lawyers have given us a choice.

273
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,022
We can either turn our high school

274
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:25,192
into an adult bookstore, or

275
00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:28,996
we can cancel all extracurricular activities.

276
00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:35,202
Therefore, the football team is hereby canceled.

277
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:39,072
The debate team is hereby canceled.

278
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,641
The drama club, canceled.

279
00:10:41,675 --> 00:10:44,111
The glee club, canceled.

280
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:46,780
The prom, canceled.

281
00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,315
GIRL (sobbing): No!

282
00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:52,986
If any of you wish to find the student editor, Malcolm,

283
00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:55,555
and thank him for this, you'll find

284
00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:58,826
his class schedule posted outside my office.

285
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:08,101
(faint squeaking)

286
00:11:17,577 --> 00:11:19,046
OTTO: You are terrible!

287
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:23,183
You have completely wasted four
entire days of waltz lessons.

288
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,885
It makes me sick

289
00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,186
to look at you.

290
00:11:26,219 --> 00:11:27,855
Otto, this isn't helping.

291
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:28,998
Every time you punch yourself,

292
00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:31,558
we lose hours of valuable practice time.

293
00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:33,326
You just... you got to relax.

294
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:36,263
How can I relax when Gretchen is depending on me?

295
00:11:36,296 --> 00:11:37,998
You do not learn by relaxing.

296
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,199
You learn by violently

297
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,234
assaulting your problem

298
00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:44,037
until it surrenders its mysteries to you!

299
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:46,673
I just feel like you're psyching yourself out.

300
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,351
Why don't you take five and clear your head?

301
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,542
You take five.

302
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,610
I shall study

303
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:52,913
the videotape of our previous lessons.

304
00:11:52,946 --> 00:11:55,783
I will correct the problems in my technique.

305
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:01,621
(yells in pain)

306
00:12:08,929 --> 00:12:11,031
(screaming)

307
00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,465
(loud clattering)

308
00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:15,803
Mm-hmm, perhaps more weight on my left instep.

309
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:19,239
Otto, stop! Just stop all of this.

310
00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,141
This isn't work!

311
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,575
This isn't science!

312
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:24,244
This is dancing!

313
00:12:24,277 --> 00:12:25,645
Stop thinking.

314
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,214
Stop watching tapes.

315
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,749
And take off the waltz-trainer!

316
00:12:32,986 --> 00:12:34,888
♪

317
00:12:34,922 --> 00:12:36,223
Feel the music.

318
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,657
Look into my eyes.

319
00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,792
But I... Shh!

320
00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:39,759
But Gretchen...

321
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:40,928
Shh.

322
00:12:40,961 --> 00:12:43,096
Forget Gretchen.

323
00:12:43,130 --> 00:12:45,098
Forget the past and its failures,

324
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:46,233
the future

325
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:47,467
and its hopes.

326
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:49,336
The world is gone.

327
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:52,605
Right now all that exists is you...

328
00:12:53,506 --> 00:12:54,641
and me

329
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:56,443
and the waltz.

330
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:18,665
Hey, Hal.

331
00:13:19,666 --> 00:13:23,203
Tough day. My neck is so stiff.

332
00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,478
Mmm!

333
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:35,382
So... what's a guy like you do for fun, huh?

334
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:36,783
I didn't know what to say.

335
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,318
I don't do anything for fun.

336
00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:40,029
Don't tell me you just stood there for ten minutes

337
00:13:40,053 --> 00:13:40,954
with your mouth hanging open?

338
00:13:40,988 --> 00:13:42,231
She wasn't even listening, Lois.

339
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,991
She was too busy mentally stripping me

340
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:45,192
and dressing me in leather.

341
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:48,828
Boys, get out here. Dinner.

342
00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,297
How long is this going to take?

343
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,631
I had to have Billy Hawkins

344
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:52,799
help dress me for gym.

345
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,668
It'll grow when you stop needing it to grow.

346
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,338
Malcolm, where've you been?

347
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:00,049
Captain of the football team wanted to show me

348
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:01,808
how he decorated the inside of his locker.

349
00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,877
Yes, well, the principal of your school called.

350
00:14:03,911 --> 00:14:06,646
He said you filed a lawsuit
so you could destroy the school.

351
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:07,981
That's a total lie.

352
00:14:08,015 --> 00:14:11,084
All I'm trying to do is publish
a magazine full of dirty words.

353
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,186
Oh, and that's supposed to make me feel better?

354
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:14,221
I didn't even start this.

355
00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:15,755
But everybody's fighting me so hard,

356
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,657
it makes me think I can't just back down.

357
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:18,691
You always said

358
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,036
there are principles you can't ever give up,

359
00:14:20,060 --> 00:14:21,337
no matter what people do to you.

360
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,729
And I'm as surprised as anyone,

361
00:14:22,762 --> 00:14:24,531
but I think that's what I'm doing.

362
00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:26,566
What's her name?

363
00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:27,567
Who?

364
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,002
The girl you're trying to impress.

365
00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,170
Hope she's cute.

366
00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:32,039
This isn't about a girl.

367
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:33,941
A girl wrote the dirty story.

368
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,218
Oh, son, you want to be careful.

369
00:14:35,242 --> 00:14:36,252
A girl who writes dirty stories

370
00:14:36,276 --> 00:14:37,520
sounds a little advanced for you.

371
00:14:37,544 --> 00:14:39,379
That's not what this is about.

372
00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:40,280
Ronnie's a lesbian.

373
00:14:40,313 --> 00:14:41,757
Well, maybe she wouldn't be a lesbian

374
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,783
if you tucked in your shirt once in awhile.

375
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:45,718
I'm just trying

376
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:46,853
to help her.

377
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:48,421
She doesn't deserve this.

378
00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:50,299
She went to all the trouble to express something

379
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,601
in a way that's actually good, and now she's being silenced

380
00:14:52,625 --> 00:14:55,362
by a bunch of stupid, arbitrary people

381
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,364
for stupid, arbitrary reasons.

382
00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,966
And I think that's just wrong.

383
00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:00,800
Son, you don't want to come on that strong.

384
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:03,303
That might be what turned her gay in the first place.

385
00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:08,208
Come in.

386
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:09,842
You wanted to see me...

387
00:15:13,146 --> 00:15:14,147
What's going on?

388
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:15,448
Malcolm, the teachers and I

389
00:15:15,482 --> 00:15:16,649
are not here to blame.

390
00:15:16,683 --> 00:15:18,618
We're looking for a solution.

391
00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:19,953
This is Mr. Mellon.

392
00:15:19,987 --> 00:15:21,721
He's legal counsel for the district.

393
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:22,889
It's nice to meet you.

394
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:27,260
Now if it were up to me, you'd just be expelled,

395
00:15:27,294 --> 00:15:29,629
but the district thinks that there's a way

396
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,231
to get everything back the way it was.

397
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:33,266
Good. Cause I never wanted to fight everyone.

398
00:15:33,300 --> 00:15:35,135
Of course you didn't.

399
00:15:36,203 --> 00:15:38,605
Basically, son, you sign this letter.

400
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,408
It says "Car Crash" never met
the standards of Crystal Ship.

401
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:43,843
You just picked it to see what you could get away with.

402
00:15:43,876 --> 00:15:44,954
It was an adolescent prank,

403
00:15:44,978 --> 00:15:46,246
and you apologize.

404
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,514
Now just sign this,

405
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:50,117
and everyone gets their clubs back.

406
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,019
I'm not going to sign it.

407
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:53,420
This is just a lie.

408
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,588
All right, Malcolm, I wasn't going to mention this,

409
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:59,492
but I made cupcakes for you kids every week.

410
00:16:00,727 --> 00:16:03,430
Look, I'm not the only one affected by this.

411
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,465
I agree.

412
00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:07,367
Ronnie?

413
00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:13,340
I'd like you to sign it, Malcolm.

414
00:16:15,308 --> 00:16:19,079
I just want field hockey back.

415
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:25,485
Hello, there, Nell.

416
00:16:25,518 --> 00:16:26,719
Your eyes

417
00:16:26,753 --> 00:16:28,555
are very pretty. Really?

418
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:31,658
You like my eyes?

419
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,060
No!

420
00:16:33,093 --> 00:16:34,861
I was just told to say that.

421
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,196
I'm sure you're very pretty,

422
00:16:36,229 --> 00:16:38,465
but I don't find you even remotely attractive.

423
00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:41,134
I'm only flirting with you because my wife is making me!

424
00:16:41,168 --> 00:16:42,235
Wait a minute.

425
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:43,403
I was flirting with you,

426
00:16:43,436 --> 00:16:46,073
and the first thing you did was tell your wife?

427
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:47,474
I tell her everything.

428
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:50,210
And she told you to flirt back with me?

429
00:16:50,243 --> 00:16:51,544
Yeah.

430
00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,246
Just out of curiosity,

431
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:56,716
how far was your wife willing to take this?

432
00:16:56,749 --> 00:16:59,252
She wouldn't tell me.

433
00:16:59,286 --> 00:17:02,089
Hal, it's okay. Calm down.

434
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:03,323
Now, the first thing

435
00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:06,492
you need to know is, I'm not going to fire you.

436
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:07,859
You're not? No.

437
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,529
I was going to,

438
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:10,573
but then Grossman and Ball

439
00:17:10,597 --> 00:17:11,830
got indicted,

440
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,508
and you're the only one left in the department.

441
00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:14,534
Oh. I'm really glad

442
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,536
it worked out this way for you, Hal.

443
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,271
Thank you. Thank you.

444
00:17:18,305 --> 00:17:20,406
Lois will be so relieved.

445
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,909
Well... we don't want her

446
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,145
to be too relieved.

447
00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,283
It's hardly noticeable.

448
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:31,518
(loudly): Good.

449
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:32,928
We can finish going over your progress reports

450
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,088
in my office this afternoon.

451
00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,689
I'm on fire.

452
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:37,757
(clears throat)

453
00:17:37,790 --> 00:17:39,959
Ah. Malcolm.

454
00:17:39,992 --> 00:17:42,762
So, have you, uh, made a decision yet?

455
00:17:42,795 --> 00:17:44,231
Yes. I want the clubs back.

456
00:17:44,264 --> 00:17:45,398
So I signed the letter

457
00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:46,399
and sent it to your lawyer.

458
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,234
I even made copies.

459
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,436
Yeah, what's all this other stuff?

460
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:51,204
I put the letter on the back cover

461
00:17:51,238 --> 00:17:52,405
of my new independent

462
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,573
literary magazine.

463
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,284
We made 700 copies, and we're distributing it

464
00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,644
20 feet outside the school grounds

465
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,011
as required by law.

466
00:18:02,349 --> 00:18:04,817
It's called "Absolutely Filthy Smut."

467
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:08,020
It's a catchy title. People seem interested.

468
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,098
Man, from now on

469
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,343
I'm going to ask a girl's permission

470
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,035
beside I say, "nice rack."

471
00:18:24,771 --> 00:18:25,638
You know, I kind of wish

472
00:18:25,672 --> 00:18:26,982
I did put some smut in it, though.

473
00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,251
People are gonna be disappointed.

474
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:30,643
Don't be... so sure.

475
00:18:31,478 --> 00:18:34,814
"The Mysterious... Forest."

476
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,416
Fold A...

477
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,685
to meet B.

478
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,453
That's a picture of...!

479
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,555
Thank you... Cinemax.

480
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,194
Ew.

481
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:53,600
Freedom's... a glorious... thing.

482
00:18:53,633 --> 00:18:54,767
(giggling)

483
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,304
Oh, Otto, this is such a wonderful party!

484
00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:58,638
Everything is just perfect.

485
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:00,373
(clears throat)

486
00:19:00,407 --> 00:19:01,374
Quiet, please!

487
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:04,511
If everyone could stop their drunken reveling

488
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:05,678
for a second.

489
00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:07,214
Gretchen,

490
00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:12,819
my love, my life, my bride of 25 years,

491
00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:15,622
I have finally learned to do something

492
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:19,158
that you never thought I would be able to do.

493
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:21,361
Maestro, if you please?

494
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,863
♪

495
00:19:23,896 --> 00:19:25,632
May I have this waltz?

496
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:26,833
(gasps)

497
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:29,736
Otto...

498
00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:32,705
Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

499
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:34,207
(mutters)

500
00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:36,543
(shrieks in pain) Oh, oh!

501
00:19:38,345 --> 00:19:39,846
I don't understand this.

502
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:42,349
I was doing this perfectly last night.

503
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:43,316
It's all right, Otto.

504
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,417
I worked so hard

505
00:19:44,451 --> 00:19:46,553
to try to prove my love for you.

506
00:19:46,586 --> 00:19:47,654
Oh...

507
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,722
I have the same music, I have the same boots,

508
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:51,023
I have the same...

509
00:19:51,057 --> 00:19:52,759
Aha!

510
00:19:52,792 --> 00:19:56,796
Gretchen, prepare to be dazzled!

511
00:19:57,564 --> 00:19:59,866
Aw, geez...

512
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,368
Okay.

513
00:20:07,607 --> 00:20:10,277
♪

514
00:20:30,497 --> 00:20:32,799
Thank you, Otto.

515
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:34,967
(floor creaking)

516
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,070
What are you doing?

517
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:40,740
Hopefully messing Dewey up for life.

518
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,342
Nice.

519
00:20:43,410 --> 00:20:46,245
Oh, my God.

520
00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:51,083
He did it.

521
00:20:51,117 --> 00:20:53,886
You never even put a seed in his hand.

522
00:20:53,920 --> 00:20:54,787
It's like a miracle.

523
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:57,223
The kid actually did it.

524
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,991
This makes it so much funnier.

525
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:04,063
(both giggling)

526
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,634
You put the lipstick on yourself, right?

527
00:21:07,667 --> 00:21:09,369
Okay.

528
00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:11,471
No, I'm serious.

529
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:12,739
You put it on.

530
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:14,774
Sure.

531
00:21:15,642 --> 00:21:16,576
LOIS: Hal, you did.

532
00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,144
Just say you did.

533
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,278
Okay, I did.

534
00:21:19,312 --> 00:21:20,613
Hal...